hms_anon | (no subject)

can someone tell me if im being an asshole bc i honestly can't tell

for the longest time i've had this relative who has chronic pain and is seriously ill (like needs to be hospitalized/on medication ill) incredibly often, and their illness progressed very fast. they have a habit of calling me up and telling me about new symptoms that happen and complaining about being sick, and i always tell them to go to the doctor, or look up information for them online as to what it could be. sometimes the symptoms are really, really alarming (like not being able to breath, or hitting their head and being disoriented, or things like that) and they never go to the doctor. they'll complain about how bad things are (i dont blame them) but as soon as i bring up how serious it is or act concerned they suddenly flip and try to downplay it like "oh i'll go to the doctor if it gets worse" and never go, or even act frustrated and offended that i suggest it.

it kind of came to a head today after an argument where i ended up admitting that its frustrating to me that they never go to a doctor because it worries me since i care about them and if they were to get REALLY sick i would feel like it was my fault that they told me about symptoms and i didn't do anything even tho i know there's nothing i could do. they accused me of being disrespectful and unsympathetic.

am i being an asshole in basically feeling like taking on all their problems in addition to my own is enabling and draining? i feel like they vent to me and feel fine but then i stress about it for days worrying that they're going to drop dead at any moment (esp with things like not being able to breath or vomiting blood) but maybe i dont understand how hard it is having those problems and dealing with doctors and not getting answers.

im not sure if i should apologize, or if so how. i want to try and salvage our relationship but i feel like i really blew it by admitting how i feel.

you're not being an asshole

no you're not an asshole, it sounds like munchausen-y, like they only want attention if you're fawning but when you challenge them, they get defensive and somewhat aggressive or lash out

sometimes i wonder if it is this honestly. i've dealt with bad doctors before so i tend to believe them when they talk abt some ridiculous thing a dr told them, and recently they've been frustrated bc their latest doctor has been trying to set them up with a psychiatrist since he things some of their pain/symptoms might be psychosomatic.

at the time i went along with it like "yeah thats dumb no way" because the relative is actually my mom lql and i dont want to think that. i feel like ive seen her struggle with the problems my whole life and its so hard to believe that they might be made up. but she does fit so many of the signs. but then i feel guilty thinking that, like im ~betraying~ her or something.

sorry this is so long i just dk what to think or feel rly

ntayrt but have you seen her suffer from the symptoms she says she's suffering from?

not directly. i've seen her sit down because she gets dizzy, or seen her have to lay down from back pain, but some of the more bizarre ones i have not seen. but then again i dont rly follow her into the bathroom so i can't rly know. i see results sometimes, like she's been covered in bruises which she told me she gets from passing out and falling over, but i've never actually seen her passing out or vomiting or things like that. :/

yeah, you're right it would've been hard to see her actually get sick bc im assuming you don'y live with her. this rly sucks bc it's understandable why you got frustrated with her and why she prob wants to avoid doctors

hope everything is ok soon

idk if this will help, but i feel like this with my mom, too - except she sort of turns it on me, like i have some mental health issues and it's like she wants them to be like they were at the worst and had to move home b/c i couldn't take care of myself/had no job/wasn't getting out of bed/etc

now whenever i am excited about something new for example, she'll be like 'i hope it doesn't make you too anxious' and says all sorts of things that are just so hurtful like, why would you say that?

parents can be toxic and you can set boundaries. i've basically started telling my mother 'i don't want to talk about this anymore because it's not a productive conversation' and if she keeps at it, i hang up

no i'm with you. it sounds like you need to distance yourself emotionally for your own well being

imo you shouldn't have blurted it out like that, you could've sat down and talked to them and gently lay it on them on why you feel like that but i understand where you're coming from. idk have they eer talked about why they're scared of/don't want to go to the doctor

yeah i agree that blurting it out was stupid, i was way too emotional and should have just stepped away. maybe in a few days after things cool off and i can call her and apologize about that and hopefully just take it from there.

she goes to doctors pretty regularly for a main set of symptoms/problems that she has, but then she will have all these secondary problems that are still serious but she doesn't think are related to the main problems or makes up total excuses herself (like for example the puking blood, she blamed on an IV she was given during a hospital stay...things like that, which don't even make sense). so she just genuinely convinces herself that a doctor visit isnt needed, we're also kind of pressed for money at the minute.

whether or not that's the real reason im not sure. but thats the reason she tells me.

tbf she might be avoiding doctors' visits bc they're expensive, and trying to justify that (which doesn't make up for the way she treats you etc.).

idk that really sucks anon but i read your other reply to a dif anon above, imo if you honestly feel or have your suspicions that your relative maybe lying or overblowing the illness then you're not a bad person bc from what you've said, you've been supportive and you're not pulling it from the air. idk i would say wait a few days and chill out, biba. hope a solution is found soon and i hope you're ok biba

your feelings are totally valid but i just wanna explain from the perspective of someone w/ chronic illness

going to the doctor can be really frustrating bc doctors will often ignore symptoms or tell you they're nbd even if they are. it gets to the point where going to the doctor at all becomes something you don't want to do, because you know they'll just blow it off. it's really really difficult for someone with chronic illness to find a doctor who isn't crap. a lot of doctors start to think you're drug seeking, or a hypochondriac, or a bunch of other things. it starts to twist your perception on what's an emergency and what's not and you start to figure you should just wait symptoms out and only go to the doctor if they don't go away, even if it's a severe symptom. because doctors sometimes do blow off even severe symptoms. it's not right, but a LOT of doctors treat people with chronic illness horribly

that said you have every right to worry and be honest about your feelings, and if it's a stress on you you have every right to ask them to not put that load on you

thank you for this response, i really do appreciate it. i know ill never really "get" it bc i havent lived it but i have seen how doctors can treat her like crap and just totally disregard symptoms and complains shes had, and the frustrating goose chases she gets sent on re: specialists and appointments and stuff. that makes a lot of sense about not being able to tell what is emergencies anymore and that would explain a lot... it probably seems super irritating if im always suggesting for her to get treatment for something she might honestly believe is nbd, like dismissive of me or something. i will bring this up when i talk it out with her i think, like just say im sorry i wasnt more sensitive to that and didn't really get it.

idk if it's dismissive, it's just that you come from a different set of experiences etc than her when you say what's worth seeing a doctor about. she's factoring in everything that's happened with doctors before, as well as what she can afford

p much this

and certain things that are an emergency for an able-bodied person are kind of normal to me, and going to the hospital or doctor every time would leave me in tons of debt

you're not being an asshole and it's fine to set boundaries as to how much you can hear of this. it's unrealistic to think they can just dump on you forever. don't apologize. you didn't do anything wrong. when they start in and you can't take the stress just say something like, "well I know if it's bad you'll go to the doctor" and change the subject.

also you should read up on codependence because none of these are your problems and you don't need to take them on.

(no subject)

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